Thursday, November 13, 2014

Family Matters

For years I did a pretty good job of keeping up on this blog. Lately not so much.

My grandma has widespread cancer. I've been visiting her as often as possible. I love how her face lights up when my daughter is there.

I watched her no longer be able to eat, stand, breathe without apparatus, and now slip into dementia.

I have been meaning to post more here and on YouTube. Bear with me please.

Friday, August 29, 2014


Well I found a pretty great way to send money to friends, easily!
I pretty much loOOove body writing and would love better still to share that with all of you!
Use Square Cash to send me a donation and tell me what to write on my body!
Send an email to gift4mei at gmail dot com and cc cash at square dot com. The subject is the amount you wish to donate and tell me what to write and where in the message!
Do that, or follow this link: UR AD HERE

Friday, August 22, 2014


I didn't get the first opportunity. That went to my teammate. His last day is next Friday and while I'm very very happy for him (he totally deserves a better life) I'm also wincing at what I know will be a torrent of workload that rolls down onto the remaining team mates. This company SUCKS at leadership.

The second opportunity seems out of reach. This is especially distressing because I'm perfect for it and, more importantly, it is my client! I already know their system, they are in my town, they know me, know I'm trans, and they seem to like me. I don't think they even got my resume, though. I'll try to find out who to contact about it and hand it directly to them. This recruiter doesn't have my interests at heart.

Which brings me to the subject at hand: recruiters and references. I have neither.

I have been largely unable to get any of my radio and TV references, people who were good friends and would go to bat for me, to even reply to my messages or return my calls. They haven't talked to me since I transitioned.

Recruiters make their living on reputation. Their clients (prospective employers) need to feel like the recruiter is reliable, takes their needs seriously, and can deliver quality applicants. What I've now been discovering after a half dozen recruiters just vanish on me is that nobody wants to have their client question their reputation and quality with a line like "Hey, what's all this about sending us a tranny??" It extends to an unwillingness by many (but not all) colleagues to vouche for me.

So now I'm going to be canvassing my clients websites directly and firing off resumes myself. Who needs recruiters or references!

Oh shit.

Well at least I'm learning new things about the wonderful challenges of being trans and alive.

Can you tell I'm actively trying not to depress everyone with how completely fucking miserable I am? I hope so. I'm biting my tongue so hard it bleeds.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Job hunt

I have been feverishly seeking a new job. I can't make ends meet after my current employer incorrectly filed my record of employment for my medical leave. I received no financial benefits and was forced to liquidate my retirement savings and max my credit cards. I asked my employer to help and they have declined.

The reason they filled it out improperly in the first place is because they aren't familiar with Canada law. The HR manager in our office would have done this properly. She was fired for speaking out against bullying in the workplace. She was also my mother.

Few trans people find work. I've been lucky to transition here but the workload is insane now as people flee the under paying company for better opportunities. I'm trying very hard to find work, but so often the recruiters don't call back after they hear my voice.

I finally have an opportunity. It will be a hard fought position to win. I'm having a new challenge: references.

I have years of experience that I can't prove because almost no one in the Toronto radio and TV industry who worked with me is willing to be my reference.

Even as I do cobble together contacts as best as I can, I will continue to face challenges that the competition don't.

In two weeks my expenses will jump again, even farther beyond my means as I have after school programs to pay for. I have no ability to pay, but if I don't the courts can come at me and then I'll pay retro active.

I have failed to find part time work. I break down and cry after work because the stress is so high. I don't feel sexy to do porn or escort. I have no money for a massage table. PayPal shut my accounts so I don't even have a way to accept donations.

I want to die all the time. I'm on the phone with crisis counselling often. I won't do it because I love my daughter but this is getting out of hand. I see few other options than to cut my internet and phone. It won't even help to do more than offset part of the day care cost. Worse still, I can't afford my food budget, so this diet I've almost lost 50lbs on looks like it will be over soon.  Laser hair removal was long ago abandoned, unfinished. My makeup is running out and I have no means to get more.

I hate my life. I hate that I'm going bankrupt again, that I'm so fucking close to homeless. I hate that I am dying of stress in an office that wrongfully dismissed my mother and ruined new financially.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Dames Making Games

There's an organization here in Toronto that helps women network and learn to develop video games. After months of meaning to participate, my Mom finally pushed me to do it and I attended a workshop session on tools to make video games.

I'm working in unity now to animate my sprite. It is going well. The slow going part is really just finding the time between work, life, and child to code it. It is a worthy endeavour, I believe.

I wanna get me some of those flappy bird moneys!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Weight loss

I've been on a medically supervised weight loss program for about four months now and I'm now down 40lbs. Yay!

30 lbs more to go, and at the risk of being the target of fat phobia and body shaming, I present to you me as of now.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Money troubles

Money turned out to be an issue during medical leave. My employer incorrectly filled out my record of employment, so Employment Insurance didn't get delivered to me until a week before I returned to work. The government deliberated on my case because of my employer's mistake, and in the meantime I had to rack up credit card debt at 29.9% interest to survive. 

Now I'm back at work, my review didn't include any sort of salary adjustment to reflect the 3x workload I've been handling for the past 2 years since taking a new position, and they are unapologetic in the matter of the record of employment.

I'm in deep trouble and I find so much of my time is spent either at work in a state of stress or at home in a state of stress. I truly do not know how to get out of this.

Dilation helps me keep sane.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

PayPal sucks again

A few years ago I was accepting donations here by way of my PayPal. Within ONE day of opening up for donations, they limited my account, stole the money and forever prevent me from using eBay, Kickstarter, and most online shopping. Forever and without any explanation.

I setup a corporate account with my corporate. For those who are unfamiliar with the concept, corporations are separate from their board of directors. Well, they went ahead and arbitrarily closed my account again, citing fraud. There is no appeal process.

It is not fraud. I have a a legitimate corporation and I hadn't even used the Paypal account.

Utter nonsense.

Paypal has and deserves a terrible reputation with many people. I'm now designing a video game that I plan to roll out on Google Play. I will be using Google Checkout I suppose, but if you have any suggestions for a better payment provider, please let me know.

What an absurd world we live in.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Life after SRS

It has been awhile and in no small part my hiatus has been due to life struggles. I figure I end up sounding like a broken record if all I do is go on and on about how things aren't so great.

I keep up on Tumblr easily enough. I dunno, I guess it is the convenience of an easy to use app on my phone. Also a habitual reblogging of fine lady porns.

I get questions there from time to time. Here's one now.

How are you doing after your srs is your life starting to be normal

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Plus size in mississauga

Addition Elle and Penningtons will be Ok. There is an outlet with change room at Dundas past Dixie but before the 427.

Voluptuous is the best. They just moved to Queen St. Check out their website. I love their stuff.

I also LOVE Torrid. It's a USA company so I shop online but their clothes are amazing and prices are fair. Shipping will cost though unless you trek down to Buffalo to the Walden Galleria.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Milk Bath

I'm going to be producing a longer video with a milk bath and be selling it somewhere, likely clips4sale. In the meantime, you can always check out my tumblr for sexy pics of me, others, and hypnosis captions.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Returning to Work

Well I ended up getting some medical benefits. Unfortunately, it was so late and so little that I'm in a financially precarious situation. I'm going to have to make some changes. For starters, I won't be able to continue with laser hair removal on most parts of my body. This several year effort will now take a decade. Very uncool.

I'm returning to work in June, though. I heard they are changing the pay structure, so it might help. I need to come up with an extra 10k a year to compensate for child support before I could return laser hair removal and some other transition related costs to my life. I'm so far away from savings, vacations, and mortgages at this point that it seems like fantasy fiction to hear about them. I'm middle class.

I recently posted another video about my transition. Now that I'm feeling better I'll be creating more content, sexy and otherwise. Hopefully I can monetize it where I was unable to do so previously.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

SRS Dilators

Thursday, May 1, 2014

No EI benefits while on sick leave

I've been having a hard time during my recovery. It hasn't been the healing, that's going well, but it has been the financial duress of having taken time off work and having the Government of Canada take a very long time to even consider my claim.

"No Employment Insurance benefits are payable to you effective March 23, 2014 because you voluntarily left your employment without just cause within the meaning of the Employment Insurance Act."
- Government of Canada

I return to work at the end of May. They tell me they will decide by May 21.

I'm screwed.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Home and Alone

Sorry for the delay in an update. I'm back home now, and finding that post op care without an army of nurses has proven to be a challenge.

I dilate 4 times a day, have 1 shower, 2 baths, 2 douches. I have to air dry (read: lay around naked) for 30 minutes after each wet event. I also have to wash the tub before and after each wet event. I also go through tips of towels. Suddenly bathroom cleaning and laundry are something I do, whereas before the nursing staff handled it.

All in all, things are going well. It doesn't hurt to walk now, though it is easy to over do it. I plan to give all this info, including dilation explanation and dilator demo via YouTube, but concentrating enough to do and edit a video hasn't been possible for me yet.

Another girl who was in recovery with me recommended I get in touch with the local CCAC office. Basically, they send nurses to bring supplies and check on my wound. Since I've been bleeding a lot suddenly and today I noticed an odor change, I'm going to get right on that.

Some costs that have been more than expected, either in cost of time/effort or money are:

Medical pads for anywhere you sleep or sit
Towels and face cloths
Dove soap
Saline for douches

I haven't needed much in pain meds lately, beyond acetaminophen and ibuprofen, but if it turns out I do have an infection you can be sure I'll need stronger pain meds. I was previously prescribed hydromorphone for the pain.

More to come, thanks for being patient while I recover.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Residency Recovering

After the first few days of monitoring in the clinic, I am carted off to the building next door. This is the recovery center. I'll share pics in greater detail when I'm more mobile.

They encourage independence here. I replace my own dressings, go downstairs for meals, and let them know when I'm in pain vs. Nurses checking in on me. They still do the blood pressure, temperature, heart rate routine, but otherwise it's more on me.

With so many others using the wifi, I haven't even be able to watch a YouTube video unless it's 3 am. I'm really upset about the poor wifi service because I'm cut off from everyone.

They also don't permit guests outside of specific times, and only in the living room. Several guests violate this agreement but they and their daughters sprawl out on the couches for comfort, leaving me with no where to be comfortable to see my mom on the rare occasions she visits. This ends up with a blatantly biased power dynamic where trouble makers are doing anything they want and the rest of us have no choice but to lay down alone in our beds upstairs with no one to visit and no wifi to talk to anyone. I can't even talk to my daughter anymore. I'm going to bring it up today because this is absurd.

The same girls who feel they can do anything they want also feel they should make every sentence to me unsolicited advice about how to do this and that. Their "sage wisdom" has so far included trust, a mother's love, dressing well for your body, passing, and how to handle being stared at.  I am at a loss for how to explain that of the people in the conversation I am, 1. The only employed one 2. The only one who has a popular online presence 3. The only one whose heart want recently broken by some guy.

These girls need to wake the fuck up and realize it is completely inappropriate to be dispensing unsolicited advice. I guess I'll have to wake them up. Fun times.

A lot of this happened yesterday when I was sitting in the living space. Sitting is not advised for long periods. I over did it. Now I have bleeding and bruising. Yay mei. Sigh.

So today I'm going to rest until mom gets here, speak to the nurse about these couch laying bitches, and come up with a witty remark to get these children to realize I'm beyond them and their advice is not worth a dime.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I has a pussy

The deed is done! My upgrade is complete. I am now sole proprietor of a pussy.

I will be posting more as my recovery continues, but I'll recap so far.

I was taken up into surgery, given a Epidural. I had the wildest technicolour trip ever, and woke up plus pussy.

Day One was mostly me high. When the pain got to be too much, they would give me a shot. into my arm the needle went, and a burning sensation set forth. Moments later the pain was vastly reduced. These shots are available every other day. Today I'm on a pill instead.

Today has been better. Like in Thailand, I became nauseous as a side effect of the anesthetic. I threw up a few times, but have otherwise been Ok. I'm so amazed at how quickly recovery occurs.

Last night I was prompted to stand up beside the bed for a minute. Today I've had several short walks around the clinic. They encourage walking. It helps.

My dressing is checked a half dozen times a day, replaced three. I haven't had much bleeding. This stretchy underwear is filled with Gause, pads, and huge amounts of ice.

Tonight my IV comes out and, I think, my catheter as well. Tomorrow at 10 am I'm transferred from the clinic to the adjoined residences for my continued recovery, and all the lessons about cleaning and dilating my pretty little pussy.

Well, what WILL be my pretty little pussy. I had a sneak peak and I'm so swollen she is more like Charybdis.

More to come. Please comment if you have questions you want answered, or if this is helpful at all. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


Well I'm in the clinic. Tomorrow morning at noon is my surgery.

I arrived in Montreal Monday morning. Until now, I'd been staying in this adorable bed and breakfast called Gite du Marigot. The owners are absolutely amazing, friendly, and chic. I recommend you visit, even if pussy isn't involved.

Before arriving at the clinic, I had to have an enema and shave extensively and meticulously.

When I arrived, they did the paperwork, took my blood pressure,  and explained that my surgery will be tomorrow at noon, and I've got a few things to tackle tonight.

Make sure your shaved!
Have another enema, why don't ya!
Wash your body with this gooey red soap

All done! I'm in my room now, waiting for the nurse to come over and check that I shaved properly.

Everyone seems nice. This one nurse totally gets my sense of humor, so that's good.

I'm scared now. I've seen many of the other girls post op and they are all fabulous. Fear is unfounded. Full speed ahead.

I'll be out of commission tomorrow, but they have wifi here and I will post again once I'm able to.

Love you all,

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Pussy means weightloss

The clinic wants me to drop below a big number before I go under the knife. Losing weight before a surgery is a good idea, it speeds up recovery and it increases the chances everything will go nicely.

Unfortunately, my depression had me eating pizza, the almighty comfort food, several times a week for a long time. I have a ways to go to get below that big number. I've got 5 weeks to do it.

There's a weight loss clinic in the GTA that is OHIP covered under some circumstances, like oh say preparing for major surgery. I have an appointment tomorrow!

Friday, February 14, 2014


I received my letter from the ministry confirming my SRS is being financed. It came along with a package from the Montreal clinic. The package contained information, and a medical history form to fill out.

It took some time because I've been in custody law stuff, had the flu really hard, got depressed pretty heavily, and well that is why all I had the power to do was reblog on tumblr via my phone.

The medical history info was submitted last week. I expected a wait list of several months, maybe even a year. Nope! I received a surgery date for the end of March! I am SO excited.

I have a lot to prepare for in a very short period of time. I'll update you as we go!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I'm blonde now! I was really enjoying being a redhead, but my stylist recommended the change and I jumped at the chance. I still have red highlights underneath, but I'm very, very blonde right now.

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